Happy Now, Sad Later

I’ve just started listening to an audiobook by Steve Chandler called 17 Lies That Are Holding You Back and the Truth That Will Set You Free. If you are looking for a good mix of inspiration and humor, read any of his work. One of the ‘lies’ he discusses is “I’m too old”. Then, this morning, I ran across this news article about a 74-year old woman who’s graduating from Harvard this year. I love stories like this, as they really show how many of our ‘limitations’ are only in our minds. (For another example of this, research the history of the 4-minute mile.)

What have you decided not to do because you’re “too old”? Are you really too old to do it? I suspect, if you’re willing to look around, you’ll find someone older than you who has done it. It’s time to let go of “I’m too old”. You probably aren’t.

I saw this news item this morning, and thought I’d pass it along.

The House of Representatives has introduced the ‘Personal Health Investment Today Act of 2009 (H.R. 2105)’. This bill calls for deductions of up to $1,000 per year for expenses used to stay active/physically fit. Expenses such as health club memberships, personal training, and some exercise equipment (probably including bicycles), would be included. Apparently, the impetus for the bill is a World Health Organization study which found that a $1 investment in physical activity would reduce medical expenses by $3.20 in the U.S., and 2 out of 5 Americans would increase exercise if offered a financial incentive.

Investing in your physical well-being doesn’t even require much of a financial investment, really - there have been a plethora of articles published recently on ways to get fit without having a gym membership or exercise equipment. That said, I’ll take a moment here to encourage you to consider buying a bike. Why? A few reasons:

1) Bicycling is an enjoyable form of aerobic exercise, and can be a good way to get around town, too.
2) It provides a great way for you to get outside and enjoy nature. Here in Sacramento, we’re fortunate to have bike trails that go along the American River, providing a great environment to ride. In addition, there are a lot of roads with good bike lanes.
3) Taking a bike ride gives your brain a great opportunity to work on it’s ‘unfinished business’. If there’s an unresolved issue or problem you’ve been wrestling with, putting it down for a while and going for a ride may be just what you need to let the solution come to you.

Regardless of your personal religious or spiritual views, I believe the Serenity Prayer has a lot of valuable wisdom, and that learning how to use it can really make a difference in your life.

In case you don’t know it, here’s the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

As I write this, it’s a Sunday morning, and it’s raining pretty hard. After living in Sacramento for 15+ years, I know I can generally assume that if the calendar reads May, the weather’s going to be dry and warm … or, in other words, perfect for doing outdoor projects. I’ve been doing some work on my house lately, and had hoped to spend part of this weekend continuing the painting touch up projects I started last weekend.

…the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…
But, it’s raining. I’m no Bob Vila, but I know that painting in the rain is a bad idea. So, that means I’m looking at a change in plans. I can’t change the rain. If I don’t accept that it’s raining, if I continue to focus on wanting to follow my original plan, there’s little for me to do but end up somewhere between disappointed and angry. Nowhere in that zone will I find any feelings that are going to help me get more enjoyment or productivity out of my day. (I define ‘acceptance, by the way, simply as ‘acknowledging what is’. Accepting something has nothing to do with liking it.)

…the courage to change the things I can …
Knowing that my painting plans were shot, and having accepted that, I could move on to develop a new plan. My home has a common area upstairs that my wife and I have turned into an office. There are two large windows in the area that both look out towards the rear half of a neighboring property, and we’ve set up our desks so each of us faces one of the windows. It’s a nice view - a large field with a bunch of oak trees - not common here in the suburban area where I live. It’s really a nice place to sit when working. So, as I sit here typing this, I’m able to enjoy the lush green view and watch the rain fall. One of my dogs is snoozing by my feet. It’s quiet in the house, so I can hear the rain falling on the roof. It’s really quite peaceful … I’m feeling a bit more connected with the world, and able to quiet some of the noise that’s often going around in my brain. The result is that I’m feeling good and enjoying a pleasant weekend morning while I get some writing done.

Sometimes, ‘the courage to change the things I can’ is pretty straightforward. Today, it’s about changing my attitude, and my tendency towards rigidity. I could focus on the rain ruining my plans … or, I could realize that I’ve got a great opportunity to enjoy nature and get some writing done. When I change my attitude, I’m no longer feeling resentful, I’m instead appreciating many things - that I have a home I really enjoy, that I have this great view out my window, that I have this peaceful Sunday morning.

…and the wisdom to know the difference…
I grew up in a family where, due to a number of factors, I had a lot of responsibility at a young age. At times, that has proven to be a real gift - I am capable of being very persistent and self-sufficient, and those traits have been instrumental in a lot of my personal and professional success. On the other hand, over-responsibility has caused some real problems as well. For a long time, I didn’t really know where my responsibility stopped and where others’ started. This has led to me putting myself in situations where I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. It’s also resulted in unintentional power struggles with co-workers and relationship partners. My decision-tree with regards to responsibility used to be something like this: ‘does it need doing? Is anyone else already doing it? If nobody else is, then I’d better do it.’ As I’m sure you can guess, I don’t recommend that model to clients. I was so focused on responsibility that I lost sight of reality with regards to what I could and couldn’t control. Trying to control things you can’t is a sure-fire way to increase the amount of anger and conflict in your life. Like all of us, I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way - I’ve become much more aware of healthy boundaries with regards to control and responsibility, and the result is a much happier, more effective life, as I waste less time with anger and unproductive effort, and spend more time enjoying what I have and putting my energy into the areas where I have control (or influence, at least).

Try applying the Serenity Prayer to your next challenge … you may be surprised at the opportunities that develop.

Is change something you struggle with?  Do you find that you have big ideas for change and growth in your life and relationships but often get stuck, frustrated, or overwhelmed when you try to implement those ideas?  Today I’m going to outline a process that will help you change that.

All too often, the initial rush of adrenaline when we think about and begin a new ‘personal project’, such as losing weight, improving a relationship, or changing careers (happy now) turns into frustration, disappointment, and maybe even self-criticism when we hit roadblocks, frequently leading to project failure. (sad later).  The failure is typically due to trying to go too far, too fast.  Knowing that points us towards the solution - going slower and taking smaller steps.

So, if you’ve got a ‘personal project’ you want to tackle, here’s a new approach to try:

1)  Determine your end goal, what you want things to look like when you are done with the project you’ve undertaken - maybe it’s exercising four times a week, or attending at least two networking events a month, or doing something nice for your spouse twice a week.  Like any good goal, it should be specific, quantifiable, and measurable.

2) Do an honest assessment of where you are now with regards to that goal.  Sometimes, this may require some uncomfortable self-examination.  If so, take steps to help center yourself, or do the self-examination in small pieces.  This really is a critical step, though.  Have you ever tried giving somebody driving directions when you know their point of origin or their destination, but not both?  It doesn’t work!

3) Break down the difference between where you are and where you want to be into a series of discrete, small steps.  Write them down.  You’ll be better off erring on the side of making the steps too small than too big.  Now, you’ve got your ‘roadmap’ for change.

4) Start working on that first small step.  Keep doing it until you’ve got it mastered (if it’s part of a new behavior pattern) or truly completed (if it’s a discrete task, such as taking a class of some kind).  Don’t worry about how quickly you get to that point.  With a good roadmap, you don’t need to focus on the destination, you need to focus on the process - the destination will take care of itself.

5) Once the first small step is completed, repeat the process with the next step.

6) Continue moving forward, one step at a time, until you’ve completed your project, or established your new behavior pattern, or otherwise achieved your goal.

That’s it!  I think patience and persistence are probably the two key skills you’ll need to have success with this approach.  If those are weak areas for you, identify a small ‘change project’, and use it as an opportunity to start practicing and refining your skills.  

If you have a success story with your own ‘personal projects’, I’d love to hear about it - either comment below, or e-mail me.

Work Life Examiner: Chaos can fuel stress awareness at work

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Found this article this morning,  though it was a worthwhile read.  It’s always easy to say things like ‘I don’t have the time to look at things and make changes’, but that’s only going to keep you stuck - it’s a great example of an HNSL trap.  Find even an hour that you can consistently set aside in your week for doing ‘big picture’ (or Quadrant II, to borrow from Covey) work - it really will make a difference.